Battle@Boyne

A homage to Pict Irish stupidity and backwardness ... "Hey Sarge, I wasn’t AWOL, I was injured … a splinter in my tongue from the brandy cask."

This image of Pict Irish mongrelism
was published in a US magazine.

This battle for the English crown, between James II and William of Orange, was fought on the river Boyne about 30 miles north of Dublin. It’s a battle which gives credence to all the vituperation that has ever been directed against the Pict Irish.

James II had decided to engage William of Orange, who was on his way south to secure Dublin, at a ford on the river Boyne. James, due to his catholic ethos and general misfortune, had a very large Pict contingent in his ranks and their monkey-like antics on the eve of battle put paid to James’s butt ever again warming the English throne.

On the evening before the battle James’s horde of Picts raided the medicinal brandy wagons. And of course drank the entire contents. It’s said that they even got splinters in their tongues when they smashed open the empty wooden casks and licked their insides.

William of Orange found the
Pict Irish legless from brandy.

The following morning when William of Orange crossed the Boyne, instead of finding men-at-arms who were fresh and eager to defend the river’s fords, he found a disheveled band of drunken slackjawed Picts who had no intention of doing anything other than running away.

The cowardly drunk Picts didn’t engage in ordinary run-of-the-mill fleeing: they flung their weapons aside and, screaming like terrified old nuns who had just been flashed by the devil, they ran in all directions. Many were so drunk they ran smack-bang into William of Orange’s forces and got cut to pieces by a Saxon army that was nauseated by the Pict's slobbering drunkenness and whinging cowardliness.

It’s no wonder the Picts steam with resentment every July 12 when the Orange Order march in celebration of victory at the Battle of the Boyne. Over three hundred years later they don’t like being reminded of their drunkenly shameful exploits and cowardliness.

Orange Order still march in
honour of William’s victory.

It’s to be wondered, though, if the Orange Order have legitimate reason to celebrate the victory at the Boyne. Their win at this river doesn't fit the normal definition of victory in battle, or even merit being described as a rout – the Pict fuckers deserted their generals and staggered away screaming. 

For William of Orange’s forces it was more like taking sweets from a baby; and who grabs sweets from a baby and then honours their achievement every 12 months by dressing up and baying about it?